Insecurity

 

I really hate insecurity. Like, towering, consuming, insecurity. I’ve always had a big problem with it. It’s okay to be shy. To have doubts. But huge neediness and unfulfillment are hard for me to handle.

I’ve dated women who wanted/needed constant boosting. And I just can’t do it. The whole, “looking for someone to complete me,” means you’re broken. You’re a busted person. Get some glue. Or get a bunch of therapy and self-help books before trying to upsize to a couple. But that’s just me…

It’s been my experience that a lot of actors are like this. Performers. Because they often start out in front of live audiences and they got hooked on that immediate, massive, adulation. They are broken, insecure people. (As a massive stereotype.) And when I hang out with actors or acting groups or whatever, I can only take small doses. It’s just too much for me. It’s just an obvious, persistent call for attention. One of my theories why so many actors are so physically short.

Probably 10 years ago, I saw a band that had Missi Pyle as the front lady and singer. She’s done a bunch of projects. Some of which I really, really like. And I was drinking and having a good time listening to music. But she would talk to the crowd and she was just a towering inferno of insecurity. I think at one point she completely stopped the song and forced the audience to applaud. I would dip into that room (was a massive club with 2 main areas) and I would hear some of that and get so turned off I had to leave. I was physically repulsed. And that stuck with me for all this time.

You know, everyone has their cringe concepts. Like I don’t like seeing people suffocate on tv/movies. Someone drowning. I’ve read that a lot of people get unbelievably uncomfortable with all those (very common) scenes in movies where some enormous crowd stops and laughs at someone. You know, pants fall down, everyone points and laughs.

Whatever. Everyone has stuff their pet peeves. Their fingernails on chalkboards–such as fingernails on chalkboards.
I don’t read it so often. It’s hard to write insecurity. It just doesn’t have the same impact as actually seeing it. Having the voice and body language and tiny little nuances all combine to inform you that this was a person whose parents and step-siblings hated that kid who is now an adult. Usually, people just write that a character is insecure and let us figure it out. Because it’s really hard to describe insecurity and have it be as powerful as real life.

But it’s one of those things that is really common in tv and film. I suppose because they’ve always been targeting young demographics. Which is also why they had those huge scenes of embarrassment. Trying to capture teenage experience to get them into multiplexes. But man, just takes me out of the story and makes me look away.

Journal

This is a video I provided to my Patreon people. I thought I would share it here. The audiobook for Frankly is still being worked...

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